Degens Dig Graves for Gains While Regulators Hunt Ghosts Amid Whale Heist
The cryptoverse screamed “ALTSEASON!” as Ethereum’s $25.7B spot volume ghosted Bitcoin, fueled by seven whale wallets gulping $1.7B in ETH. Meanwhile, HULKMANIA (122,000%!) and Ozzy’s $OZZY (16,800%!) erupted from celebrity obituaries, proving crypto’s only true constant: morbid pumps beat fundamentals. Solana fought meme congestion with a 20% block-capacity boost after political tokens choked its pipes, while the SEC and Congress finally agreed BTC/ETH aren’t securities (slow clap).
Strap in, degens: This week was a corpse-fueled joyride through crypto’s absurdist heart.
Ethereum’s spotlight heist
Ethereum had more trading activity than Bitcoin last week: $25.7 billion vs. $24.4 billion. This hasn’t happened since 2024. The jump happened after seven big investors bought 466,000 ETH ($1.7 billion) in just two days. Experts say money is moving from Bitcoin into smaller cryptocurrencies and popular memecoins.
Graveyard pumps
When Hulk Hogan died, his unofficial Ethereum token HULKMANIA exploded 122,000% in 8 hours. A copycat coin on Solana also surged, and Ozzy Osbourne’s tribute token $OZZY jumped 16,800%—none approved by the celebrities’ estates, making them risky. Crypto Twitter watched the chaos with morbid fascination.
Meanwhile, Solana upgraded its network capacity by 20% (to 60M compute units) after meme tokens $TRUMP and $MELANIA clogged it. A new proposal could boost capacity by another 66% by December. AI trading bots fueled a $7 billion memecoin boom, spotting trends faster than humans—traders loved it, regulators called it cheating. And Solana’s joke token $FARTCOIN rose another 79%, making people seriously debate if a “fart coin” could hit $2.
Clarity, cashbacks, and a new bag-holder
U.S. lawmakers released a basic crypto bill, agreeing Bitcoin and Ethereum aren’t stocks if their networks are active, pushing complex decisions to regulators. They’ll negotiate final rules this summer.
Separately, the government is selling seized assets to repay victims of a 2021 oil/gas crypto scam worth $97 million, one of the biggest refund efforts ever after criminals laundered cash through foreign exchanges.
Meanwhile, former PayPal executive David Sacks was appointed by President Trump to oversee both AI and crypto policy, causing lobbyists to rush for meetings. Online jokesters nicknamed him ‘Chief Bag-Holder’ for handling these volatile fields
Crypto jokes and riddles: Degen delights
Bear market blues or Bull market FOMO? Here’s your weekly dose of deep-fried degen riddles & jokes:
- I shrink when you look at me, grow when you leave me, and disappear the moment you buy me. What am I?
Answer: Your fear of missing out—a.k.a. FOMO.
- Invisible in your pocket, priceless when forgotten, and capable of turning you from millionaire to meme in a single typo. What is it?
Answer: Your private key.
- I fuel the network but won’t run your car. The higher you pay, the faster you go—what am I?
Answer: Ethereum gas fees!
- What’s the fastest way to become a millionaire with crypto?
Answer: Start as a billionaire
- I’m pumped by tweets, then dumped at night, I promise moon rides but give you a fright. What am I?
Answer: A memecoin.
- What’s a DeFi guru’s favorite pickup line?
Answer: “Wanna pool liquidity in my heart?”
- I asked my crypto-enthusiast friend if he wanted pizza. He said, ‘No thanks, I’m waiting for my pie (PI Coin) to 100x
- My dating profile says, “Looking for a long-term relationship.”
She asked, “Define long term.”
I said, “At least two Bitcoin halvings.”
She swiped left—claims she’s not into delayed gratification… or bear markets.
Bottom line: Gravediggers win, reality loses
This week was crypto’s ultimate split-screen: Degens mined morbid memes for life-changing pumps (RIP Hulk, hello 122,000% gains) while regulators chased restitution ghosts ($97M refunded) and DC scribbled bare-minimum rules (BTC/ETH: not securities—cool story).
Ethereum’s quiet volume flip proved altseason isn’t dead, just lurking as whales parked $1.7B in ETH and Solana unclogged its Trump-induced meme-sewers. Meanwhile, AI bots turbocharged a $7B shitcoin boom, and Trump’s “Chief Bag-Holder” inherited crypto’s most cursed job.
— Altcoin Desk Degen Dispatch
