A watchlist that felt like a carnival ride this week? Good, that means you were on the right track. Crypto served up its usual blend of chaos and comedy, featuring zombie whales awakening from a decade-long slumber, Solana’s memecoin factories in a fierce scrum, and a DeFi protocol that accidentally speed-ran ‘Multisig Security 101: What Not To Do’. Popcorn recommended!
Whale-watching with motion sickness
A decade-old Bitcoin address finally stretched its fins and emptied after 14 years of dormancy to the tune of $2 billion, moving millions in bitcoin and kicking off a weekend of “is it Satoshi?” discourse.
Crypto billionaire Justin Sun paid $28 million for a 10-minute space joyride on Blue Origin. Verdict? “Earth is fragile.” Worth every penny for that deep thought, Justin.
DeFi faceplant of the week
On Aug 4, Solana lender CrediX was exploited after an attacker obtained elevated permissions and drained roughly $4.5 million. The team took services down and pledged full reimbursement while auditors retraced the access-control path that failed. Another week, another reminder that one sloppy permission can cost eight figures.
Memecoin industrial complex
Mid-week, Pump.fun surged and reclaimed Solana memecoin leadership across daily tokens, volume, and revenue, edging out letsBONK.fun in the optics battle that CT absolutely treats like the World Cup.
Depending on which dashboard you stared at, Pump.fun led daily launches and revenue, while letsBONK had moments of higher single-day volume, but the headline takeaway was simple: Pump.fun back on top for the week’s chatter and flows.
Meanwhile, a crypto group pumping “Green Dildo Coin” took credit for sex toys tossed onto WNBA courts (yes, really), claiming it as “guerrilla marketing.” Players and coaches were furious; one arrest has already been made, and the coin… of course… spiked >300% on the attention. Peak clown-market energy, zero chill.
Crypto jokes: The laughter and pain of the market
When the market stings, satire heals. This week’s therapeutic chuckle:
- I launched my own memecoin. The only thing it pumped was my stress levels.
- I checked my portfolio so many times today that Etherscan asked if I was okay.
- I’m so down bad, I started calculating my net worth in loyalty points.
- My ledger isn’t lost — it’s just practising “self-custody” from me.
- I diversified into 20 memecoins. Now I have 20 unique ways to explain the same loss.
- One-of-one on-chain, sometimes just a jpeg in your heart—what am I? Ans – NFT
- I don’t speak, yet I broadcast transactions worldwide. What am I? Ans – Nodes
- I can freeze millions without touching ice. What am I? Ans – Exchange Wallet
See you again next weekend, Degenerals!
