Welcome back, degenerates and visionaries, to another edition of your favorite crypto news roundup! This past week felt less like traditional finance and more like a reality TV show where the contestants are all hopped up on AI-generated espresso shots. If you thought 2025 couldn’t get any weirder, think again. Let’s dive into the beautiful chaos of AI betting shops & crypto prediction.
NEAR Protocol’s AI goes full Wolf of Wall Street
Remember when simply moving crypto between chains was a nightmare? Well, NEAR Protocol’s AI crypto engine just snorted the competition’s lunch money. It processed a cool $483 million in volume by letting its AI agents, dubbed “The Intent-sayers,” execute cross-chain swaps faster than you can say “bridge exploit.”
The Bottom Line: The AI crypto infrastructure war is heating up, and chains that don’t have a robot overlord making their trades might just get left in the digital dust. Is this the future of crypto trading? It sure looks like it.
ChatGPT Becomes a Price Prophet
Everyone’s favorite text-predictor, ChatGPT, has apparently gotten its crystal ball polished. This week, the internet was flooded with headlines screaming, “ChatGPT Predicts XRP To $12!,” a classic crypto prediction that has meme traders frantically mashing the buy button.
It’s the modern equivalent of reading tea leaves, but with more server racks. The real crypto news here isn’t the accuracy; it’s that boilerplate AI crypto hype is now a legitimate market-moving force. Terrifying? Absolutely. Entertaining? You bet.
Memecoins take the stage
Little Pepe, Bonk, and the usual suspects are still doing their dance on the leaderboards. The strategy for crypto trading in 2025 seems to be: find the frog, dog, or politically ambiguous number, and meme it into liquidity. It’s a powerful reminder that in today’s market, a good joke can be more valuable than a white paper.
Google’s new AI wants to be your sugar parent
Google decided it wasn’t enough to just answer your questions; it now wants to spend your money. They unveiled the “Agent Payments Protocol” (AP2), an AI crypto system that lets your digital agent autonomously handle your crypto payments and shopping.
Imagine your AI buying a lifetime supply of beanbags because it detected a “micro-trend” on TikTok. This could either be the ultimate convenience or the fastest way to get a margin call from a robot.
The glorious, debt-fueled AI bubble
In a shock to no one, analysts at Citi warned that hyperscalers are piling on debt to build out AI crypto infrastructure. It’s the classic tech playbook: borrow billions, build something shiny, and hope the music doesn’t stop. This kind of risky crypto investment in the underlying tech stack could make the next market correction a real doozy.
Threats & scams: The party’s uninvited guests
- Crypto Hacks Are Down, But Not Out: Crypto losses from exploits “fell” to a mere $127 million in September. Let’s all pat ourselves on the back for only losing a small fortune this month! Security is improving, but the crypto trading environment is still a digital Wild West.
- AI-Powered Scams Get Personal: North Korean actors are now using AI crypto deepfakes and fake job listings to phish for credentials. Even pro-wrestler-turned-crypto-enthusiast Matt Hardy’s account got compromised to shill a scam token. If a ghost from your Instagram past posts a token link, it’s probably not your ticket to early retirement.
Satirical thoughts & crypto predictions for what’s next
- Your AI crypto assistant will soon argue with you about your spending habits.
- The line between a crypto prediction and a meme will become completely invisible.
- The most valuable crypto investment of 2026 might be in a company that sells digital scam-proof helmets.
And there you have it! Another week in the books for crypto news. Remember, in the world of crypto trading, finance is entertainment, and entertainment will absolutely empty your wallet. Trade safely out there!
