The week began with optimism and ended with indigestion and war rooms, and somewhere in between, Jerome Powell reminded everyone that hope isn’t a monetary policy. Bitcoin’s rally hit a speed bump, AI prophets disagreed on whether we’re in a bubble or a renaissance, and world leaders gathered to invent new acronyms for old rivalries.
Welcome back to Market Mayhem, where the bulls whisper, the bears mumble, and the robots issue press releases about empathy and war rooms.
Powell’s pause party: The rally that forgot to rsvp
Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell walked into the room, uttered twelve words about “no immediate rate cuts,” and left Bitcoin gasping under $110K. Ethereum followed in solidarity, proving that crypto markets are still allergic to realism.
Traders spent Halloween refreshing charts, praying for “Uptober” to live up to its meme. Instead, it became “Downvember Eve: “The Fed Strikes Back II, This Time It’s Personal.”
Coinbase vs. Gravity: How to profit while everything falls
In a plot twist, Coinbase defied market gravity and posted stronger-than-expected Q3 profits. While retail traders were panic-selling their meme coins, Coinbase quietly turned volatility into quarterly revenue.
CEO Brian Armstrong called it “proof of crypto’s resilience.” Skeptics called it “proof that fees still exist.” Either way, Wall Street briefly applauded, then went back to pretending they understood staking yields.
Somewhere, Robinhood took notes titled “How to Charge People Again Without Them Noticing.” “Resilient Revenue: When Trading Fees Refuse to Die.”
dYdX goes west: Decentralized and now domestic
The decentralized exchange dYdX announced plans to enter the U.S. market, a bold move for an entity famous for existing everywhere and nowhere.
Critics wonder how a borderless protocol gets a ZIP code. Supporters say it’s about “bridging compliance and innovation.” Regulators say, “We’ll call our lawyers.” If successful, it could mark the first time an American regulator successfully audited a DAO without needing an exorcist. “From Nowhere to Nebraska: How Decentralization Found a Mailbox.”
Bill Gates vs. Cathie Wood: The AI philosophy fight club
The week’s most civilized brawl came from the AI frontlines. Bill Gates warned that “many AI investments will be dead ends,” comparing today’s frenzy to the dot-com era. Meanwhile, Cathie Wood countered that investors have “learned from past crashes.”
Translation: Gates brought history; Wood brought hopium.
Start-ups quietly Googled “how to rebrand AI as productivity software,” while VCs debated whether optimism counts as due diligence. “AI Therapy Session #325: Telling Your Investors They’re Not Visionaries, Just Early.”
Xi’s global AI alliance: Because what the world needs is another organization
At the APEC Summit in Gyeongju, Xi Jinping proposed a new World Artificial Intelligence Cooperation Organization, immediately abbreviated as WAICO, which sounds suspiciously like a tech-flavored coffee chain.
The idea? A global framework for AI development. The reaction? Western leaders politely nodded while secretly texting their diplomats: “We’re not joining another Zoom committee.” Still, the move cements China’s intent to steer global AI governance, or at least get a cooler acronym than OECD. “WAICO or Wako? When Global Governance Starts to Sound Like a Latte.”
Intel sells AI dreams in pop-up shops
Intel launched AI-PC “Experience” stores in New York, London, and Munich, part retail, part performance art. Visitors met sales reps who described laptops as “co-pilots for creativity.”
Translation: still a laptop, just with more existential marketing. One attendee claimed the machines “felt alive.” Tech Twitter replied, “So does Clippy; relax.”
For a company once defined by chips, Intel’s now selling vibes. And maybe that’s what 2025 really is, the year hardware decided to have a personality. “Inside the AI Boutique: Where Processors Meet Perfume Counters.”
ADNOC finds AI in the oil fields
In the Middle East, ADNOC announced AI integration into its energy grid, improving efficiency and safety. Somewhere, a trading bot took notes on how to drill data instead of barrels.
This marks a rare win for AI’s practical side, the one that actually powers grids instead of PowerPoint slides. It’s also a subtle reminder that while Silicon Valley debates ethics, the Gulf quietly builds robots that work.
“From Oil to Algorithms: The Real AI Revolution Was Industrial All Along.”
Final thoughts: Whispers in the war rooms
The week was an orchestra of whispers, from Powell’s press podium to Xi’s podium of peace. Markets trembled, CEOs philosophized, and AI learned that human confidence remains its best training data.
Bitcoin still can’t decide whether it’s a safe haven or a high-risk hobby. Investors can’t decide whether to meditate or margin trade. And the rest of us? We’ll keep watching the circus, taking notes, and pretending we understand “macro liquidity” while our portfolios cosplay as modern art.
Because in 2025, mayhem isn’t a bug in the system; it is the system.
