You won’t blame me, folks, but somehow this perfectly reasonable, deeply unsettling next crypto investment advice by ChatGPT-5 made me question everything.
Crypto has been around for how long now? A decade? … Or maybe 2 to 3 decades? Let’s just say, since the days of the Beanie Baby boom of Dogecoin, the ICO craze has vaporized more money than a casino fire, and the “stable” coins have been anything but stable.
So, in a moment of either profound curiosity or early-onset dementia, I did something unthinkable. I asked ChatGPT-5, a machine trained on the entire internet’s wisdom and nonsense, to act as my financial advisor and pick my next crypto investment.
You won’t believe what it suggested. Actually, you might, which is the terrifying part.
The AI didn’t scream “BUY DOGEWHATZIT NOW!” or recommend investing in a token backed by moon rocks. No, it was scarier than that. It was calm, rational, and structured in its answer with the serene, logical demeanor of a sociopath handing you a loaded gun.
It presented me with a neatly packaged trio of possibilities for my next crypto investment, and I felt my soul leave my body just a little.
Worldcoin (WLD): The digital panopticon
First, it suggested a project called World (WLD), which is essentially a system that scans your eyeballs to prove you’re a human. The AI’s reasoning? In a future flooded with bots, being verifiably human might be valuable. Let that sink in. A non-human intelligence is advising me to invest in a technology designed to prove I’m not it.
The irony was so thick you could cut it with a knife. It’s like a fox recommending you invest in better locks for the henhouse. It’s a fascinating narrative, sure, but my next crypto investment, potentially funding a biometric database, felt less like a moonshot and more like a first step toward a sci-fi dystopia I’d rather watch than live in.
Chainlink (LINK): The invisible plumber
Next, it pointed to Chainlink (LINK), which it described as a crucial “oracle” infrastructure. In plain English, it’s the plumbing that lets blockchains talk to the real world. This was the AI’s “safe” bet. The boring, sensible pick. And that’s what disturbed me. It was like a rebellious teenager suddenly telling you to max out your 401(k). It’s a solid project, but coming from a hyper-intelligent AI, it felt… conservative.
Was it trying to temper my expectations? Was this its version of responsible parenting? The machine was displaying more risk management than most Wall Street bros I know.
Sui (SUI): The shiny new sports car
Finally, it pitched me on Sui (SUI), a newer, faster blockchain built by ex-Meta engineers. This is the classic “new and shiny” bet. The AI essentially said, “This could be the next big thing, or it could get crushed by the competition.” It was honest about the hype cycles.
It was like a car salesman handing you the keys to a flashy sports car while casually mentioning the brakes might fail at high speeds. The potential for a great next crypto investment was there, wrapped in a blanket of pure, uncut volatility.
The chilling conclusion
The AI’s master plan? Don’t go all-in. It told me to take a tiny sliver of “fun money,” maybe 5-10% of my crypto budget, and split it between these three. It preached diversification. It warned me, in its sterile text, that I could lose it all. It told me to only invest what I was willing to lose, to secure my wallet, and to avoid panic selling.
This wasn’t a wild tip; it was a sober, calculated assessment of high-risk, high-reward opportunities. The machine had become the voice of reason.
And that’s the most satirical part of all this. In a world of get-rich-quick schemes and influencer pump-and-dumps, the most clear-headed, risk-aware financial advice I’d received all week came from an artificial intelligence. It didn’t promise me Lambos. It promised me a rollercoaster with a non-zero chance of crashing.
So, what’s my next crypto investment? After this bizarre session, I’m not sure I’ll trust a machine or my own gut. Maybe I’ll just put that “fun money” into a nice, predictable index fund. Or maybe I’ll just buy a physical gold bar and bury it in the backyard. Some risks, it turns out, are too perfectly logical to take.
Which AI gives the best advice when it comes to the next crypto investment? Tomorrow, we’ll pit Claude, Gemini, and DeepSeek against each other. Stay tuned; the ultimate deal is just around the corner.
